So, yeah. It’s December. Let’s not panic. But seriously, didn’t school just start? Oh wait, I spent last weekend in a pie coma, thus culminating November. So I guess it’s onward and upward.
It’s a perfect time to panic.
I generally have grandiose plans for good ol’ December. But as you can already guess, I’m behind. Not just on December, but on life. You can probably also imagine the look on my face when Pres asked Sunday night about when “the Elf” was going to appear.
Pres: “Mom! Thanksgiving is over, when will we see the Elf?”
Me: “You mean Santa.”
Pres: “No! The Elf”
my child is crazy
Me: “What. Elf.”
Pres: “THE ONE ON THE SHELF”
Holy crap. Freakin Elf on a Freaking Shelf!
Oh how much I loathe that thing. It’s one more thing. One more thing I have to do, and one more thing that isn’t real, one more lie, and one more thing that has nothing to do with the real meaning of Christmas. Yes. I am Scrooge through and through. I am not ashamed.
I’ll let you know now that we are Elf on the Shelf virgins. I’ve escaped it for years people! Then one was gifted to us last year, and before we could hide it, one of the littles spied it in the closet. I told them that since it was the middle of December they’d have to wait until the next year, so he can visit the whole month. (I’m the worst), and then I told them that our Elf is the kind that stays in one spot all month long. (Really guys, I. AM. THE. WORST).
Now “next” year is this year.
Dave rescued our Elf and placed it in my nightstand lamp. As if I don’t have enough trouble falling to sleep.
Me: “It’s creepy,”
Dave: “Yeah, I don’t like it.”
Then Pres wandered in as he usually does 1 million times before he falls asleep.
Pres: “Hey! Our Elf arrived”
Us: “GET OUT!”
Me: “Awesome. We’re locked in. He knows……Dave, we have to put it somewhere high so the kids can’t get it.”
Dave: “I thought the whole point was to move it every night.”
Me: “Not THIS Elf. And how do you know all of this?”
So we put him on the chandelier. The kids spent all morning trying to get him. And luckily Pres didn’t ask about the Elf sighting the night before.
“Heh Heh, suckers”
And I decidedly washed my hands of the whole mess, and took them to school, leaving Sandy at home with my mom. I ran some errands, and picked them up from school. When we came home, the Elf had been moved.
Me: “Mom! Why is the elf moved?”
Nana: “Sandy wanted to play with it.”
Me: “Mom, one of the rules is you’re not supposed to touch him!”
Try, just…..try and fathom how many times the kids and DAVE asked “Why did the elf move?”….It outnumbers the stars.
I explained to them that since Nana didn’t know the rules, we could start over. Super life lessons being taught here people. “Blaming others”, “Do-overs”, “lying to your kids”. Elf on the Shelf is truly a treasure.
Then my sweet niece and nephews came over to play that evening. My niece immediately noticed our Elf.
“Oh! You have an Elf too! When did it get here? Is it a boy or a girl? What did you name it?”
I don’t know, I don’t know, I DON’T KNOW!!! We have to NAME it? I felt like throwing a shoe and then running the other direction. Did she buy my lies? Could she see my uncertainty? Did I ruin all her Christmas magic?
Probably. That sounds like me.
So last night we put him on our highest kitchen shelf so the maniacs can see and “talk” to him (can you see my eyes rolling) but not nab him. Which they have been doing. Which definitely gives me cause to shutter. In fact, they had an argument this morning about whether or not he could turn invisible.
“He can totally be invisible”
“No he can’t!”
“Yes he can!”
“Mom! It’s impossible for him to be invisible, right?!”
But it’s possible for him to magically leave and report to Santa every night?! And if you touch him he won’t come back?! Give me strength!
So there he sits, on his perch, creepily staring us down as we go about our daily business. And he is STAYING THERE FOR THE NEXT 23 DAYS.
And in case you weren’t creeped out enough. Here’s last year’s card, and now you know the reason behind it.